Realizing I Am Old.

Posted on March 27th, 2009 12:34pm by Bob Sturm
Filed under Basketball, Sturm

aeromesh1

It was bound to happen. I can no longer avoid it. I have become old.

They say age isn’t a number, it is a state of mind.

So what state of mind am I in when I try to watch Memphis play Missouri and I can only focus on the ridiculous nature of Memphis’ uniform? I am sure a reasonable basketball game was going on, but here I am cheering against Memphis because I, the guy who once promised myself I would not become one of those bitter old media guys who hates everything the kids do, cannot come to terms with the fact that their shorts look ridiculous to me.

Here is the Memphis bench from last night:

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I mean look at how crazy that looks! The back of their shorts are almost on the floor when they sit down!!! How can any team be taken seriously with that look?

What would Larry Bird say?

larrybird

Before I anger you, allow me to also point out that Larry Bird, John Stockton, and all of the other icons of our youth in the 1980s were wearing ridiculous shorts, too. Way too short. Daisy Duke should not be wearing shorts the same length as basketball players. And when many of us were playing basketball at our respective middle schools, the shorts we were handed were way too short.

stockton

Then, it changed. I am not sure how it changed, but I think Michael Jordan was involved. And when Michael Jordan got involved with anything back then, those of us who were young basketballers were more than happy to do whatever he wanted us to do. Buy goofy looking shoes for $100? Sure! Imitate moves that we were not able to imitate? Absolutely! Risk biting our tongues off because we thought we became better players with out tongues out? You know it.

So, first Michael looked like this — notice the shorts leaving much of the thigh exposed:

jordan-unc

Dean Smith would not allow insanely large shorts. There is no question.

But then he became this…and how many of us would do what Michael did here? Standing at half-court while someone is shooting free throws, and pulling the bottom of his shorts down to his knees with both hands. I stood like this at every free throw from 1986-1989. 10,000,000 were trying to “Be Like Mike” before Gatorade told us to.

jordan-knees

I think next came the Fab 5 at Michigan. If memory serves, they thought the Jordan tw0-inches-above-the-knee shorts were too short. So, Jalen Rose and friends decided that the short needs to get past the knee cap. That gave us this look:

jalenrose1

While they angered my coaches, they got over it. But, that was when I noticed that the length of shorts made old people mad. I never considered such a small detail would be offensive. But for some reason, these old men seem bothered. I laughed. Old people are funny.

But, then I noticed something. The shorts were getting longer!

dj-augustine

The shorts were getting longer and I was getting older. Apparently that was a bad combination. Last season, when I was watching DJ Augustin and the Longhorns, I pondered whether or not he could even dribble between his legs if he wanted to.

The shorts are so long that surely the ball would get hung up on the shorts if a player ever attempted the Jordan-three-times-between-his-legs move from his 63 points at the Boston Garden game back in the day, a move we all tried about a thousand times on our driveways.

kentucky

Is this really where we want to go? Is this what the kids want? What is next? Shorts that actually cover the shoes like bell-bottom pants?

Seriously. What is the next evolution? Will it go all the way back to Stockton some day? I am fascinated with the evolution now, because I see how crazy it makes me to see Memphis wearing them.

I have no horse in this race. I have no rooting interest left in the NCAA tournament. Unless I feel that your team is wearing ridiculous shorts.

Then this old man is cheering against you. Sorry. I see the world differently at 36 than I did at 16.

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20 Comments to “Realizing I Am Old.”
  • Kdub @ March 27th, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Crazy, man, crazy. You can’t control what the shorts do man. You crazy.

  • Michael Jordan @ March 27th, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    Bob – congrats on the new blog on D’s website. You are catching up with Gordon in plugs for non-Ticket related side jobs. Maybe you should give the Stars’ (or The Ticket’s) money back for making you cover the Stars and they will let you stop covering the games. Then, innocent Ticket fans like myself can avoid hearing you (and Dan) complaining about how bad the Stars are. I don’t remember you guys moaning about going on the Stars road trip. Find something else to brag about and do us all a favor, ask the Stars to stop involving you in their club, so you can be happier and can concentrate on your amazing blog career.

  • Scott R @ March 27th, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    We can blame it all on the evil empire of Nike. That new “System of Dress” super hero looking crap that teams are rocking now makes me instantly turn on any team that wears it. Thankfully my favorite team is an adidas school and isn’t forced to wear that junk.

  • Daisy Duke @ March 27th, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    Dude this is absolutely right. The pendulum on shorts has swung completely too far in the other direction to the point where basketball players look like they are wearing skirts. Furthermore, why are female basketball players wearing these shorts? Shouldn’t they be wearing tight low cut shorts, or better yet, bikini bottoms like female hardcourt volleyball player wear? The girls in the ticket basketball game look like boys with long hair (Carmelo Anthony before the haircut).

    Yesterday at the gym I saw a guy playing pickup basketball while wearing a hooded sweatshirt – with the hood up over his head. Everytime he moved the airflow would catch the hood and cause it to fall off his head, so he was constanly sdjusting it and pulling it up, essentially playing the game one handed. And he was at the point, peripheral vision? Who needs it! He was black FWIW.

    I don’t think a return to shorty shorts is desireable, but there has to come a point where fashion follows function in basketball. The ideal length for basketball shorts is just above the knee, and not excessively baggy.

  • Becca @ March 27th, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    as the owner of the 23rd ranked ‘hold on to your hats’ team, John Stockton’s Nutters, i fully supports this issue. now, get off my lawn.

  • MarkB @ March 27th, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Good topic to bring up Bob, as it annoys the crap outta me too for some reason! But I must add that in my opinion, it falls a distant second behind my No.1 ranked stupid fashion choice: the dreaded low rider pants/shorts.

    Is there anything more laugh-out-loud ridiculous than watching some kid performing the awkward shuffle/walk because his pants are barely clinging onto the mid-lower hip area? And many of them play basketball dressed like that.

    (For the record, I am 36 and also coping with my new Old Man status on issues like this.)

    Keep on blogging, Bob! As I told you at Guys Night Out, you are my Pat Kirwan–I always dig reading your stuff.

  • Sam @ March 27th, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    I think the look reached the ideal point with the fab five. i was in college at that time and felt the most comfortable with regular old gym shorts that came down right above the knee. good length, not too long so as to impede play, looks good, etc. agree that things now have gone too far. also hate the underarmour top. ugh. can’t see anything good about the underwear look. almost looks like the players are wearing pajamas.

  • Kip @ March 27th, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Why can I not see any pictures on this blog? Anyone else experiencing this?

  • Jeff Q @ March 27th, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    I can dig the shirts..but really tight shirt with really baggy shorts just doesn’t work.

    and to Daisy Duke…..have you seen the average vball player vs the average female bball player? Not sure anyone would want to see that….certainly there are exceptions…but….no

  • gordosan @ March 27th, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Those aren’t shorts. They are baggy knickers.

  • Phil from Plano @ March 27th, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    “What would Larry Bird say?”

    What would Larry say? The Basketball Genius??
    He would’ve said, “I’m going to fake left, spin back around and pull up and nail the jumper and there’s nothing that you can do to stop me.”

    And, then, he would’ve proceeded to do it. If you need a reminder, go youtube Larry bird and be amazed. We have never seen another like him. Not….one.

  • Xanthippas @ March 28th, 2009 at 8:49 am

    I’m with you Bob. That look is ridiculous. Those shorts might as well be skirts, and the tight tops only accentuate the absurdity. I’m not at all for going back to tight short shorts, but I do think basketball fans ten or twenty years from now are going to look back on this trend and go “What were they thinking?”

  • Tim Perkins @ March 28th, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    I keep waiting for this thing to cycle and bring back shortie shorts. And I’m still waiting.

  • M VANCE @ March 28th, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    Old man Bob,

    I’m a tad older than you at 42 but, I think it all started with the hip-hop dude’s tryin’ to keep it real. They just want to be baller’s bro’. It’s a ridiculous look and i’m like the other older dude’s waiting for this thing to cycle back.

  • Nora @ March 29th, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    I dont think its your age having anything to do with it, I think you just have sense… these shorts are on a whole nother level there has to be a balance.. its not your age, its just the facts. and the only reason the first two bloggers are so rude it bc they are so stupid they actualy think you are saying bc you are old.. you are saying it bc it is true.

  • Timous @ March 30th, 2009 at 11:49 am

    I think the Running Rebs of the early 1990′s had a hand in the shorts length before the Fab Five did. Go back and look at Larry Johnson’s and Anderson Hunt’s baggy shorts and untucked jerseys. I remember thinking that looked really cool against Duke’s tight-fitting, nut-huggers.

  • Carie @ March 31st, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    I heard you talking about this on the radio Friday and remembered you asking about how the players dribbled and if they could dribble b/t the legs. I mention this b/c I was watching the MSU vs. Louisville game and saw a MSU player dribble b/t the legs and thought of this:-) The shorts are far too long now…..I think Jalen Rose’s shorts in the pic are alright. I think that is where the line is.

  • Steve @ March 31st, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Jordan started wearing larger shorts in the NBA so he could wear his North Carolina practice shorts underneath them.

  • Glenn @ April 1st, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Sturminator:

    Yeah, you’re old. They’re just out there breaking necks and cashing checks. They just want to make bank, bro. They want to get ass and drive a Range Rover. POWPOW!

  • ken @ April 1st, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    you are right on the mulah with this gripe of your Bob. I would have thought some of the guys in these pics are wearing skirts if you didn’t tell me they were actually shorts. Too much airflow/access can be a bad thing. Very bad. Things can happen, a man can slip this way.. fall that way… sooner or later – SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY TRAUMATIZING happens when A MAN’S HEAD IS LODGED IN THE SHORTS OF ANOTHER MAN!!!!!! JEEEZZZZ AAAUUGGGHHH GAAAAAAA – THE HUMANITY.